A WEDDING PROPOSAL BY Mr. ALGEBRA TO Mr. CALCULUS

Dear Mr Calculus
I am asking your opinion about the marriage of my sons " Mr Zero" and "Mr Infinity" with your daughters Miss Differentiation and Miss Integration. I have consulted 'Mr Vector' who told me that this Marriage is strictly according to 3rd law of marriage " To every husband, there is equal and opposite wife" He further continued that the two pairs will lead a happy life. I have also come to know that your daughters are in love with my sons.

Of My sons, Zero is very popular among the students and possess a high name and fame. As regard to 2nd son infinity any thing added or subtracted from him he remains unchanged. After consulting the formula and Pundit of Logarithm, you may fix up the date for marriage. I am confident that you will accept the proposal. You can also consult Aunt dynamics, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta and Statistics. Sigma will accompany us in marriage party. Please convey my best wishes to sister Geometry and her daughter "Co ordinate geometry"

Your sincerely
Mr ALGEBRA
MATHEMATICS LANE
MATHS HOUSE
MATHS CITY

SALARY THEOREM

CALCULUS JOKES

• A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x." (CALCULUS)

• The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"
  All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?" (CALCULUS)

• Big party; every possible function is having fun, chatting and drinking

  this evening.

  In an n-dimensional corner e^x stands bitter and alone.  Near the lonely

  one there's a small group of exponential functions, and 2^x within them

  turns to see e^x on it's corner.

  - Hey, e^x, come-on, integrate yourself - Said 2^x pointing to the group.

  - What for - whispers e^x - it makes no difference

• Math and Alcohol don't mix, so...

  PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE

  Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the

  room dazed and staggering:

  OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!

• The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6.
  
  Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.

• In a dark, narrow alley, a function and a differential operator meet:
  "Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
  "Try it - I'm e^x..."
• Same alley, same function, but a different operator:
  "Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
  "Try it - I'm e^x..."
  "Too bad... I'm d/dy."
• 
  

A MATHS STUDENT LOVE LETTER

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular
face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your
triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a
vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,
it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots,
which only you can solve by making good binary relation
with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions
but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits
from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The
geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do n ot meet me at parabola restaurant on
date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of
160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial
of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives
of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras
De-Morgan's Law,
opposite to Guass house.
Binomial Avenue, MATHSCITY,
MATHEMATICA-
PIN : αβγδ∞θ
MOBILE: 1234567890

MATH JOKES

SALARY THEOREM
The less you know, the more you make.
Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.(CALCULUS, INDERTERMINATE FORMS)

YOU MIGHT BE A MATHEMATICIAN if:

• You Might Be a Mathematician if...

you are fascinated by the equation e^Πi +1
you know by heart the first fifty digits of pi.

you have tried to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.

you know ten ways to prove Pythagoras' Theorem.

your telephone number is the sum of two prime numbers.

you have calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.

you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

when you say to a car dealer "I'll take the red car or the blue one", you must add "but not both of them."

MATH JOKES

HOW TO PUT AN ELEPHANT INTO A REFRIGERATOR:

Analysis:

1) Differentiate it and put into the refrig.

Then integrate it in the refrig.

2) Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant).

3) Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem.

Number theory:

1) First factorize, second multiply.

2) Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.

Algebra:

1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig.

Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition.

2) Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get

a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.

Topology:

1) Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out.

2) Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle.

3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.

4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection

of refrigerators. That's usually good enough.

5) The property of being inside the referigerator

is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother,

cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.

6) For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals.

Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator.

Algebraic topology:

Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its

universal cover, R^3.

Linear algebra:

1) Put just its basis and span it in the refrig.

2) Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator.

By linearity, x% will fit for any x.

Affine geometry:

There is an affine transformation putting the

elephant into the refrigerator.

Set theory:

1) It's very easy!

refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the

refrigerator both have cardinality c.

Geometry:

Declare the following:

Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.

Complex analysis:

Put the refrig. at the origin

and the elephant outside the unit circle.

Then get the image under the inversion.

Numerical analysis:

1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.

2) Work it out using the Pentium.

Statistics:

1) bright statistician.

Put its tail as a sample and say "Done."

2) dull statistician.

Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.

3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant

in the refrigerator.

JESUS AND DISCIPLES:
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The

Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."  The disciples

looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus

mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?  Peter

said, "Don't worry.  It's just another one of his parabolas."
source: Special Category:   Afterlife

COW-CALCULUS

(__)

(oo)

/---------\/

/ | x=a(b)||

* ||------||

^^ ^^

Mathematical Cow

(developer of

cow-culus)

JOKES ON MATHS

IN DIFFERENT VIEWS

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

TOPIC WISE JOKES ON MATHEMATICS

Q:What is a dilemma?
A: A lemma that proves two results.

Pick-Up Lines to use on Mathematics Chicks

You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.(CALCULUS, INTEGRATION)
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!(DIFFERENTIATION, TANGENT AND NORMAL)
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.(CALUCULUS, INCREASING FUNCTION)
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me(SET THEORY)

Mathematics Revisited

Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components. (COMPLEX NUMBERS)

JOKES ON MATHEMATICS-2

Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think the're physical chemists.
Physical Chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're God.
God thinks he is a mathematician

.........................................................................................................................

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

.........................................................................................................................

My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, he was right.

.........................................................................................................................

• GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
  A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Mathematics is made up of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

• A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate you!"

One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't change.

Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x." (CALCULUS)

• The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is coming!"
  All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the exponential sits calmly on the chair.

The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?" (CALCULUS)

• Approximately ten excuses for not doing homework:
• I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
• I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
• I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
• I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
• I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
• I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

JOKES ON MATHS

The Evolution of Math Teaching

• 1960s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?
• 1970s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit?
• 1970s (new math): A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth $1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits?
• 1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.
• 1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are 0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics.

Salary Theorem

The less you know, the more you make.

Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.(CALCULUS, INDERTERMINATE FORMS)